Baby Blues. But Also Yellows!

I remember someone asking me a few days after Cannon was born if two kids was, as they say, not just double the work, but like 50x harder.

At the time I laughed and told her no way! I'm already changing diapers and cleaning up kid messes all day, what's one more? 

Boyyy was I wrong.

Two, at least for me, has been 1,758x harder. IT IS SO HARD YOU GUYS.

For starters I'm just plain exhausted all the time. So tired I could cry. In fact, I do cry. I cry quite a lot. I cry in the middle of the night when Cannon won't sleep and I can barely pry my eyelids open. I cry when Michael gets home from school and asks, "How are you babe?" Huge tears well up. How am I? I'm anxious because my house is a disaster and there's nothing to eat for dinner. I'm bummed because my one cute shirt that fits now has spit up all down the front. I'm confused because I still haven't totally figured out Cannon's eating issues. Is it dairy? Is it reflux? Is it gas? I'm overwhelmed because Cannon cries all day, and nights are no reprieve. I'm down because the fit body I worked so hard for pre-pregnancy is now just a mushy milk machine. Somedays I'm honestly just numb. Going through the motions to make sure they're both alive and fed. Which actually, with Cannon's struggles, is a heck of a lot harder than it seems.

There are highlights though! It's not always so blue. Like this gorgeous walk, for example. Last summer Lydia and I walked down the street to get the best $1 fro-yo at least twice a week, so it was fun to bring Cannon along for his inaugural fro-yo experience.

And I can't help but smile at how perfect spring is in Utah. Tulips! Cherry blossoms! I'm not even a nature person but it's hard not to love it.

And really there are days - or parts of days - when the house is picked up and Lydia is cooking imaginary food and Cannon is actually calm and I see snippets of a bright big future. One of these days you'll actually have 20 minutes to take a long, burning hot bath. Eventually you really will sleep again. And soon enough they'll be running around this house together! Automatic playmates. So in these moments I hurry and give myself a pep talk to soak it all in - because 5 minutes later it all might hit the fan ;).